I hate that it’s true, but people who don’t understand your neurodivergent family will sometimes suggest you are causing your child’s disability. If this has happened to you, I’m not surprised, but I’m sorry.
Blame may sound like-
“Her tantrums are because you don’t spank. I spank and my daughter would never act like that in public.”
“Your kid is picky about food because you spoil them; you aren’t consistent. I have always prioritized vegetables, so now my children eat them all the time.”
“We limited screen time and Billy was using three-word sentences by that age. “
“If you just had faith, God would heal him from anxiety.”
“You need to seriously consider if sin is blocking God’s healing for your child.”
There could be a hundred versions of this. I’m just sharing a few examples and trying not to get stressed writing them down.
My knee-jerk response is pain, sadness, loss, anger or defensiveness that my child and family are being judged and misunderstood.
Let me share something with you: people tend to deride what they don’t understand. Whether it comes from a misguided place of trying to help or extreme discomfort with what is different about your family, people can say pretty unhelpful things. In her book, Differently Wired, Deborah Reber shares advice she received from parenting coach Dr. Margaret Webb on handling harsh critics:
“I have this visual of a target with a ring in the middle and extending rings around that center. In any of these situations, we need to go to the center, which is us- the mom or the dad- and start there, doing whatever we need to do for self-care. Part of that self-care is taking care of those feelings like anger or sadness or grief that come up. And then from there, the next ring is your child and knowing, ‘Okay, this is who my child is. And I know that better than anybody else.’ And I start there, because from there you can create a sort of ‘shield.’ The more comfortable and confident I am, the less I care about what other people think.”
Your well of energy is a finite resource. Keep a boundary around that and don’t allow everyone to draw from that well. Advocate Casey Ehrlich of At Peace Parents gives some tips for creating boundaries: 1. Refrain from explaining (and oversharing) in an attempt to make others comfortable with your parenting. Instead try staying silent and waiting. 2. Wait to respond to a text or an email until you can process it and “you have a chance to make sure you aren’t ‘auto-yes-ing’ due to a nervous system reaction.” 3. Instead of automatically agreeing with someone, you could say, “That’s an interesting idea, let me think about it.” 4. When someone judges your decisions or the way you are parenting, you can say, “I have a different perspective on that.” 5. When someone gives you unsolicited advice about your kids or choices you can say, “Our family is having a hard time, and I’m not open to feedback on my parenting right now.”
Another suggestion I have for responding to misguided feedback: Say, “thank you,” and end the conversation, walk away, directly change the tone and topic, even take an imaginary phone call to step away from the situation. Shift your energy, interest and focus away from the person and their misguided ideas. If the violation of your boundaries is aggressive, flex the boundary even more. It is okay to interrupt and abruptly end a conversation, if needed. Just because someone chooses to talk to you does not actually require you to listen and engage.
Give yourself opportunities to stay confident in the midst of disapproval. Practice holding space for your core beliefs of who you are and how you are nurturing your child, while in the face of judgement and misunderstanding from outsiders. This takes practice because we are wired to long for acceptance and inclusion. But, not everyone will be your people, your child’s team, your close friend or confidante. The next time someone makes a rough remark or judges you, try in the moment to hold onto and honor what you know to be true.
With family, remember that being related does not give them a hall pass to be in your inner circle of trust. Guard your well of energy and keep firm boundaries with criticizing and judgmental family members. You can love them without needing their acceptance or approval. Healthy boundaries don’t diminish love, they protects it. If you would like more help in keeping strong boundaries in the midst of difficult situations, the book, Boundary Boss by Terri Cole is excellent. It is written specifically to women, but I do know some men who have read it. The book has a good audio book narration if you prefer that.
I mentioned a couple of examples where someone blames you in a religious context. If that does not pertain to your family then feel free to skip this section, but these things do happen and I want to address it. This feels like a betrayal. If at all possible, try to look past the person’s misguided religious attack. God is not suggesting these words to you. A broken, misguided human who is attempting to offer you unsolicited advice is offering these words to you. It is hurtful. Don’t “throw the baby out with the bathwater,” in allowing the hurt to distance you from your faith. However, keeping your faith close does not mean keeping the person speaking these things to you in your circle of trust. Remember that even well-meaning pastors and religious leaders are human and capable of being wrong. Perhaps there is a motto, quote, or phrase that you can hold tight in these moments. I like to keep Psalm 139:14 close to my heart: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” My uniquely wired child is wonderfully made. I am wonderful, as well.
Whatever criticism or blame you may be facing, know you are not alone. If you are taking the time to read articles like this, it is pretty likely you are an attentive parent. You got this.
Christina
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