I’m thinking of a day several years ago, when my kids were attending an elementary school that didn’t support their needs. During that season it tended to be a fight to get out the door on time. I can get tunnel vision about being on time, and it was very difficult to get out the door that day. How can it be so challenging to arrive at your neighborhood school with shoes on, teeth brushed, hair combed, homework in backpack? Well, let’s level-set this by pointing out that the child in question was 7-years-old at the time. I was explosive that morning. Looking back on a morning like that, I have to say, what were my goals? My goals were to arrive at school punctually with kids dressed and groomed. But, I think on that morning I missed the forest for the trees. I was so focused on short-term goals in that snapshot of time that I missed the bigger picture. My child hated school. And was tired. And was already struggling without me weighing him down with more to carry.
Eventually, we figured out a lot of the things. Sleep apnea. A poor-fit school environment. And the list goes on. But more importantly, I began to figure out my big picture perspective and how I speak to my kids when we are in the middle of struggle. It’s not a one-time switch, but a daily choice.
Goals. With parenting, what is your goal? It’s easy for me to say, “Well, my goal is for my kid to put on their shoes and get out the door on time.” But really we need to take a step further back for a full perspective and a top-down approach. What is my goal for my child for when they are 18 or 25 years old? What do I want my relationship with my child to look like when they are 16? Close your eyes and visualize what that relationship could ideally look like, and what steps might lead to that relationship over time. If we can approach the day-to-day with our child with those big-perspective goals in mind, it may shift how we interact in these bite-sized moments along the way.
Compliance vs Virtue. Another part of goal setting would be to decide what you are looking to teach your child. One definition for compliance reads, “Adhering to rules, meeting expectations, avoiding negative consequences.” I’m going to push against this a little and ask you, is our goal to raise a child who blindly adheres to rules, meets the expectations of others, and bases their behavior on avoiding negative consequences? What about when a teacher in a classroom is shaming, or if a coach or babysitter is inappropriate or unjust? I’m going to turn from the compliance word, though it does produce bright, shiny, straight-A students, and suggest we consider the core values we want to instill. The virtues prized by ancient Greek philosophers were Prudence, Courage, Temperance and Justice. Those are not a bad starting point and you could think if there are other virtues for your family. For my family, we would include Faith, Hope and Love.
Prioritizing a Child’s Needs. I’m a big believer in psychologist Dr. Ross Greene’s premise that children do well if they can. Behavior is communication of unmet needs and lagging skills. When we take that step back from compliance, it may begin to get easier to be curious about what a child’s behavior could be telling us. From a place of curiosity we can follow the clues and patterns to figure out what our child might need. Did you know that a frequent characteristic of gifted children is a need to know the “why” of a situation? Rather than being a sign of rebellion, a need to understand why may stem from intellectual curiosity combined with a heightened sense of justice. Is obedience without question the hill you want to die on? Does it lead to the virtues and long term goals and relationship that you envision? I don’t mean that a child can refuse anything and we just grin and say how smart they are. However, when we get curious and collaborative it benefits our child and the relationship. If it’s helpful, look here for characteristics of gifted children, and here for a list of characteristics of twice exceptional children. Twice exceptional, or 2e, would mean children who are intellectually gifted and also have some kind of disability(s).
A Word of Warning. A compliant child looks good on paper, and is more likely to receive the approving nod from Sunday school teachers and passerby at the grocery store. When we prioritize our child’s needs and the long-term goals we see for our children, especially with neurodivergent kids, we may draw disapproval from outsiders looking in. It takes fortitude to release yourself from the need for approval of others; we are wired to crave approval. It may be tempting to over-explain for the sake of gaining approval. Sometimes I catch myself doing this. I try to consider it an opportunity to recalibrate how I will respond in the future. Remember to keep loads of grace reserved for yourself as you navigate. If you want to learn more about holding boundaries when others criticize, check out my previous blog post here.
~Christina
Leave a Reply