There have been a few blog posts that I start writing and notice a visceral sensation as I share. This is one of those.
Maybe getting ghosted at some point is unavoidable~ like a skinned knee or a chipped tooth. That doesn’t make it any easier to watch happen to your kid. For me when those stinging moments arise, there’s a couplet from Johnny Cash’s cover of a Nine Inch Nails song that reverberates internally~
Everyone I’ve known
Goes away in the end
Some of us carry our own past hurts that can heighten or amplify the sadness and fear we feel for our child. I know I have an outsized response to ghosting- hence that visceral sensation I already mentioned. It helps that I’m aware of it. Once we’re aware, it’s easier to catch that outsized internal response and take a pause to acknowledge it, give space for it and direct self-compassion to that space. If we have done our own internal work (a therapist check-in and/or Calm app meditation could be great!) we’ll be in a better place to support our child without bringing in outsized emotions.
Once we’re able to be present and grounded, here are some additional thoughts.
Keep in mind that old idiom about “eggs in one basket.” I know sometimes our kids don’t have many friends. There are kids who might have one friend. That makes a ghosting situation where this singular buddy drops your kid overnight especially heart-wrenching. As we can, encourage your child to develop social connections in more than one place: a few different wells from which to draw from. This could look like having a school buddy, but also putting in effort to make connections at scouts or chess club. If school falls apart but he still has a neighbor friend, it will help the transition.
Don’t chase ghosts. Of course your kid (or you depending on your kid’s age) can check in. Maybe someone is sick or going through a hard time. But it’s healthy to try to match the energy a friend gives. This is your energetic boundary. The social and relational energy of you and your child is a finite resource. We can’t do all the heavy lifting in a relationship because that isn’t friendship. If texts are going unanswered ongoing, let it breathe. If you suspect a parent has suddenly decided that they disapprove of your child, it’s better that the relationship takes a step back. Your kid doesn’t need disdainful scrutiny from an adult. Let the relationship breathe, look for new spaces and see what happens in the meantime.
If you’re seeing a pattern of ghosting, maybe your child needs support with social skills. Why Will No One Play With Me? by Caroline Maguire may be a helpful book for you to read. For a tween, The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules by Jennifer Cook could be a big help. Play therapy or parent consulting with a therapist could be a possibility. If your child is in school, see if the school has a “Rainbow Room” program where kids get a little guided assistance with friendships.
This is a high tide season. It’s not yours or your kid’s favorite, but tides change. During this difficult transition, your child has your steadfast love. It doesn’t replace a friend, but your love is a meaningful and certain constant in a sea of change.
Sending love!
~Christina
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