Have friendships been hard for your family?
We’ve experienced struggle at times. I remember inviting a preschool class to the park. One mom and kid said they’d join us. When they arrived, the little guy openly let us know that my kiddo was the “wrong one.” Or, I’m doing the reach out, inviting and hosting, but I’m not feeling a pattern of any back-and-forth. And then I notice over time that my child isn’t receiving party invitations. Sure, some parties are small. Or a kid doesn’t have one that year. But you can sense when it’s more than that. How about this one? You reach out to someone with an invite, and then they don’t respond back until after the event has actually passed. Or, they are kinda too comfortable canceling last-minute. One more: you do get a rare invite from them and jump to make it work, but you can start seeing a pattern of it being last-minute. You are their back-up Plan C. There can be so many reasons. A significantly precocious preschooler may be lonely if no one else is ready to carry on a conversation. On the flip-side, a delayed talker may miss out. We’ve experienced both of those. Our asynchronous family tends to run, “all or nothing” and that can make it take more time to find true peers.
Some of us are working harder to find and maintain a village for our kids, and for ourselves. You know who you are. When someone casually mentions that they took a weekend with their spouse, and various friends kept the kids for them. That is some kind of magical unicorn that isn’t available to all families. Perhaps you’ve never, ever had a night away from the kids but would have appreciated it. Question: how is it that the parents who are working the hardest and may need it the most, are less likely to receive a carpooling invitation? This “left out” theme was especially highlighted during the Covid shutdown, as families hunkered down into little learning and play “pods” that were by their nature exclusive, while many children were left behind.
When we are lonely, or see our kids lonely, we may work harder to create community. I think of that as the hustle. It’s okay to hustle. But, where I want to express caution is when we find ourselves in friendships that are lop-sided. Whether your family could be described as gifted, neurodivergent, twice exceptional or a little quirky, differentness can make it harder to find your people. If we have the bandwidth for it, we invite. We host. We create. We attend organized activities to allow proximity to peers. That’s the hustle.
The problem is when the hustle creates activity and proximity, but you aren’t seeing that bloom into reciprocity. It’s easy to think, well, “I’d rather host, create and invite than have nothing.” But sustaining non-reciprocal or low-reciprocal relationships long-term never ends well. Never. I promise on this one. This one is “Crickett” wisdom and the stats are my scars, if you’re open to that (Crickett was my college nickname. Ask me about it some time). At best, those lop-sided relationships will fizzle and fade. But the worst possibilities carry weight. Sustaining an unbalanced friendship is the setting where bullying, ghosting and scamming take root. Please understand, I’m not saying if you or your child get bullied, ghosted or scammed that it’s your fault or that you deserved it. But, I’m trying to help you avoid that outcome.
It’s better to be lonely than to be undervalued. We want to model to our children what healthy relationships look like and when to walk away or create more space. They are learning from us all the time.
Some thoughts: simply participating in activities isn’t unbalanced. It’s when you’re doing all the work or finding yourself or your child left hanging. With the hustle, it’s okay to initiate and start out a little lop-sided. But if it doesn’t start to find a more balanced rhythm over time, that’s a problem. When looking for possible connections, be on the lookout for families who are walking the same path. Be on the lookout for families who might also be a little bit lonely. Throw out an offer and see what happens. Remember for first-time meetups, neutral space may be better, such as a park rather than your living room. (less intimidating and it’s a “level playing field” as far as toys and expectations.) Start with a one-time offer, not an offer to carpool their child for the entire school year. It’s lovely to be kind, and reciprocal friendship looks like kindness being returned, too.
If you’d like more on this, my previous blogs, Bullying is the Worst and My Child Has No Friends, might be helpful.
I’ll close this one out with the words I said to my dad at the end of each of my visits, during his Alzheimers journey in hospice that lasted oh-so-long. They hold true, and they’re the words you’re not allowed to ever forget!
You are loved.
You are special.
You are important.
~Christina
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